Monday, November 20, 2006

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." -- Louisa May Alcott

I'm so upset right now...
Something has been bothering me for well over two weeks now. Since I got back to North Bay from my visit home pretty much.. and I'd really like to sit here and write out everything, every little detail, because there are certain people, who can read my blog who's opinions I value and advice I would appreciate, but I can't. Too many people can read my blog now..
I don't mean to single anybody out, because it's not like that, there isn't a specific person that I don't want reading this, it's just more of a private thing.. I guess.
One thing I miss about being at home was that there was always somebody that I could talk to if I was upset.
Being that there are very few people that I don't mind sharing absolutely every little detail of every little thing with, it was handy to have a group of friends where there was at least one person I could talk to about whatever was afflicting me. It was never the same person for every situation, but always someone.
Every week in one of my classes we have two hour sessions where we sit in groups of three and just talk. We're practising yeah, but I'm getting to the point where I actually like being in the "client" role and being able to talk about whatever I feel like, no matter how trivial and no matter how serious.
I wish I could do that with my friends, but it's just not the same when you're this far away and have to do it over the phone. They can't tell you're upset and they can't tell that you need them.. and they just kind of brush it off as a friendly phone call and in the process brush you off.
There are a couple of people who I really did think I could tell anything too. But now that I'm in this particular situation I guess I know that I can't really..
I want to. I really do. But I think I've gone back to that stage in some friendships where I still feel like I'm being judged by how I think and feel and what I say..
It's a strange feeling to go from that to this, whatever this is.
It's not that I don't trust them, I do, completely, with all of my heart. It's just me.
I think.
With some people, we've never even been there. This is new, it would be moving up a stage in our friendship and I'm not sure I'm prepared for that. I'm really sensitive when it comes to discussing my feelings and I would be hurt by anything that even seemed like passing judgement..
LoL I'm starting to sound ridiculous..
Earlier tonight I realized something. When Nathan decided that we were over for good I lost what I valued most about our relationship. Even when we weren't together, but there was still a possibility of trying again, he was always there. I could come to him no matter what, and talk to him about anything.I could be upset over the stupidest thing and it didn't matter. He didn't care that sometimes I would cry, or that sometimes when I was crying he ended up with mascara on his t-shirt, or that it takes me a while to stop, even after I've calmed down.
I've lost that, and it kind of hurts.
I want it again. I just want that level of comfort with someone again. I want to be able to say or do anything, about anything, serious or ridiculous or something coming completely out of left field and not feel like an idiot afterwards.
I want to be able to cry and not feel embarassed.
Someone who sincerely wants to give me that comfort, and is sincerely not judging me based on what I say and someone who knows that I don't need them to fix it, just that I need to be able to talk about it, or just cry... lol I'm emotional when something is bothering me.
That's what I need.
That's what I want.
But it's one thing that I want that I have no desire to pursue, only because I don't know where to look really..
If anybody does know.. give me a heads up? lol
I wish I had somebody right now... then I could get this off my chest. Perhaps stop having these, what are becoming, weekly nightmares and just move on.

What a depressing post. lol.

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