Tuesday, October 31, 2006

You're all beginning to make me nauseous...

If one more person, my age, who's been in a relationship for any amount of time under a year, gets engaged... I might actually toss my cookies. No joke.I just can't understand, and I don't know maybe it's because I'm not there, how someone can jump into something like this. It's supposed to be a life-long commitment, and I think that either these people just don't think about that, or are under the misconception that there's always a way out if it doesn't go the way they expected it to.
But how can you expect it to go a certain way when you're so young that you really don't know yourself, and you've been dating for such a short period of time that you can't possiby really know your significant other.
And if you're going to be together "forever" then why can't you wait, just a little bit longer, to make it offical?
When you're this young, you don't even know if you're going to be talking to your best friend this week or next, you argue about stupid things and are honestly quite immature. How can you have a real marriage and be able to love and support your significant other when you aren't really even mature enough to take care of yourself right now.
You all have the stress of just finishing school, or just beginning a new career and you're adding so much more to that. Imagine just finishing school and getting married, and then having to start your career and learn how to be an equal partner in a marriage and manage finances together, find a home, and figure out all of the little details.
I know, I can't really be one to talk but there are so many examples of people out there who wish they would have just waited a little while. Wish that they would have just given it some time, and maybe they would have figured out that it just wasn't going to work, and not have to deal with divorce, or living in a marriage that they just aren't happy in. Usually by the time it gets to this point there has been so much time and effort invested in this relationship, and maybe there is a child involved, and they just don't want to let go, they want to force it to get better. Force it to work.

I understand that you're in love and happy and so excited about this person right now. You just click. But maybe if you gave it time, you'd figure out that this isn't who you want to be with, or you'd see that people change, even in short periods of time. You need to look at reality, while in the midst of living in this little wedding fantasy.

Consider that you are contemplating spending the rest of your life with someone.

This isn't JUST for young people to look at. Even older people need time to adjust to being in a relationship before jumping into something as serious as marriage. If my dad's second marriage has taught me anything it's that you really need to know what you're getting into and who exactly you are making this commitment to... and if you don't, then don't forget the pre-nup.

I just know that when I get married, I want it to be forever, not just legally, but in the real sense of marriage. I want to wake up everyday knowing that I love someone, that they love me and that we've made a life-long commitment to each other that we are more than entirely happy with. That we can't wait for every new part of married life to come our way. That we want to experience everything together and just be with each other.
I want to know that we have the same views on finances, children, where we want to live, how we want to live our lives
I don't want to have to figure it out as we go, not the major things that you should know about each other, anyway.. I want to know that no matter what kind of decision we're going to have to make together, that it's something that we agree on, or that we are willing to compromise.
On so many things too. I want to be able to talk about stupid little things, like what our kids would call their grandparents, whether we'll even have kids, whether we'll get a dog, are we both going to work, will we have two cars etc. etc.
There are just so many things to look at, to wonder, to decide..I guess I just can't understand how someone can feel ready, at my age, to make decisions like that, and stick with them.
I'm not saying that it's a bad idea for EVERYONE to get married so young, but in today's society what are the odds that it's going to last?
Pretty slim, I'd say.
Heck, I know Ange already has her first and second weddings planned.. just goes to show you how our society is changing I suppose.
I know I'm young. I know I'm immature and I have no idea what the heck I'm going to be doing this time next year. But I do know that when Nathan and I broke up and he told me that if I hadn't started a fight about Britney (which, allow me to add, I was completely right about) he had been planning to propose to me that weekend, instead of breaking up with me, I definetely breathed a sigh of relief. Not because I wasn't marrying him specifically, but because I know that I was much too young and I know that I wouldn't have been able to say no.
Not because I just wanted to get married or something, but because when you're in a realtionship with someone for as long as we were, you just sort of assume that you're going to end up together and that would have naturally been the next step.
And as many times as we argue and he thinks he's throwing it in my face that we could have been getting married, I could have had my perfect ring, and my perfect dress (Oh leave me alone, I've had them picked out for as long as I can remember), it doensn't bother me. It just wasn't meant to be at that time in my life. I don't see how it could be.

Okay. I'm done. This was my rant for the week.. hopefully the only one lol...

****With my luck, I'm going to look back at this sometime next year, engaged and planning a wedding and think, "Wow. Am I ever a hypocrite." ugh.****

Friday, October 27, 2006

It's not what happens to you; it's what you do about it that makes the difference - W. Mitchell

Last night I found myself thinking. alot.
I couldn't sleep, my mind just kept racing. So I decided to write. I wrote and wrote and wrote until eventually I filled a notebook. I wrote 140 pages, front and back, no skipping lines, no breaks of any sort, until I finally decided that I could sleep.
I woke up this morning and I felt refreshed. Engergized. I went to class and my mind started racing once again.
So I flipped to the back of my notebook and started writing again. In my two hour lecture I filled 12 pages. Once again, front and back, no skipping lines and no breaks of any sort.I didn't really write about anything imparticular.. not really. Alot of things always seemed to bring me back to a certain thing, but I can't say that this was all about that.
It just boggles my mind that after quitting writing because I found that I just couldn't do it anymore, I can just write like I used to. It kind of makes me sad. I gave up alot because I thought I couldn't do it. I guess I've just been inspired recently. Alot of things have happened lately, I suppose you could say that they contribute to this. That's what I'm finding anyhow.
But I'm hoping I didn't give up everything I've worked so hard for, for the past few years for absolutely nothing.
Everything happens for a reason right? I hope...

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Pretty as a --HeaRt-AcHe--

I'm going to make this short and sweet :)
As of today, I've become terminally single.
As a choice.
I'm tired of waiting to end up hurt, although I know it's pessimistic of me to think that way.
I'm tired of being hurt.
And, I never again want to hear that someone is flattered by how hurt I was by something that they did, that affected me a great deal.
I'm tired of wondering what love is. If I've found it. If it's passed me by already, or if I'll ever even have the opportunity to find it.
I never again want to be told that someone loves me, but only half of him loves me. The other half is searching for something else. For what one can only assume, is someone else.
I am not a placekeeper. I'm not here to keep you company until something better comes along.
That is a terrible way to treat someone, I don't care who you are.
If you want to be with me. Be with me. Is it really that hard?
I've spent last night and tonight in tears. Because I've apparently taken, "You know, I'm really flattered that you are so hurt by what happened between us. What I did to you," the wrong way.
Or that I've taken, "Well yeah I want to date other people, but I just don't know where to meet them, so why don't we keep dating instead," the wrong way.
Or that I've taken, "You know that I love you right? It's just that only half of me loves you," the wrong way.
I never realized that I took everything the wrong way. Absolutely everything. Apparently nothing can be taken at face value anymore. Nobody can just be upfront and honest with how they feel. They have to skate around it, "trying not to hurt you," all the while hurting you more, deeper and so much worse than it ever would have been with just the honest truth.
I'm beginning to think that such a thing just doesn't exist these days.
If there is someone out there that can be like that, then maybe I'll consider changing how I feel just for them. They're worth that chance if they're taking it upon themselves to take a risk like that in today's world.
The thing is, I know I deserve more. I know I deserve better and I'm not afraid to look. I'm just tired of setbacks, I'm tired of things that no longer matter being thrown in my face.
I want to be trusted, because I've done nothing to deserve otherwise.
I want to eventually be loved. Because I know I deserve it. Not just loved a little bit, or half as much as they could. I want to be loved wholly, and without question.Why is it that I seem to fall into the same trap everytime? There's always going to be someone or something else? Isn't there? :(
It makes me so sad to know that.
Or if not know that, to feel that way: like I know it to be true.
I just feel so empty right now.
I shouldn't, I have so much in my life right now, so many terrific people, and opportunities.. but I do.

I'm done working on me. I'm where I want to be pretty much right now. With regards to who I am as a person.
I just wish I could be with someone who wants to be with me, and who can appreciate me and care for me. With no stipulations, no restrictions. Nothing.It seems so impossible.
Soooo... I pretty much give up. I admit defeat. You win. It's over.
I think he's ruined me.
Sorry Tom. You're an amazing.. incredible guy.. like I can't even begin to describe. Like I've pretty much said before, you're perfect. Almost too perfect. And I would love to get to know you even better when you get back from Australia but, like I said, I give up. On it all. I really hate to pass on a guy like you. I hope that you know how lucky a girl is to find you.
I don't know, maybe by then I won't be feeling so pessimistic, or maybe you'll change my mind, you have a tendancy to do that. But we'll see..And Chris.. dear :) I know I said I'd marry you one day, but I know that one day you'll find a girl that's just perfect for you, someone who's a beer bong challenge and won't argue about having a beer bong at the reception -- hey, I agreed on the keg stands did I not? :) -- (I can see the wedding now haha) and someone who will take care of you, and make you soup and whatnot next time you break your arm... :P but hopefully, this time, it's your girlfriend.. not your buddy's. ( :) I'm just teasing, you know that )

So to end this off on a nice pessimistic, negative note, because (if it's not obvious by now) that's just how I'm feeling, I'm going to go curl up under my covers and not come out until I'm leaving to go home on the 4th. Also I refuse to answer my phone, at all, between now and then. It really, mostly (because I still have a soft spot for a couple of you), won't matter who you are, or why you're calling.
I just feel like... yuck. For lack of a better descriptive word.
I wish life was like a fairytale. I could use my knight in shining armour right about now.

I don't want people to take this the wrong way. I don't need to be with someone to validate myself. I just feel like I have so much to give, and like I could make somebody incredibly happy. I'm willing to sacrifice many things, it's part of relationships with anybody, but being happy and content is the one thing I just can't give up. I would never ask anyone to give it up for me, and I cannot fathom how anyone could ask it of anybody.

Maybe I'm just emotional and irrational right now...?
Meh. I don't care at this particualr second.
I'm sad, so this is just how it's going to be.
I'm scared I won't change my mind.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

So, this is the conclusion I've come to

Living in college neighbourhoods is great!
haha, where else can you go, where you go to the gas station on the corner by the college and in the convience store area they have a huuuuuge basket.. full of condoms.. buy 1 get 50% off the second, or buy 2 get 1 free condoms... yup.. only here.
And where else can you go where you look out your window to see tom, the guy from the window directly across from yours on the second floor, standing at his open window, drunkenly singing "I've got friends in low places" over.. and over and over again... terribly lol
and where else can you learn the drunk singing neighbours name from the equally drunk girl standing in the yard yelling "thoMAS...THOMAS... hey THOMAS." not in a normal neighbourhood I tell you what.
I forgot how much I missed living near campus. It reminds me of all the great times we had last year.
I can tell tequila tuesdays are going to be quite interesting around the dorms. :)
It reminds me of home.
This might not be so bad..

Thursday, October 12, 2006


8 hours.. 13 pages and almost 5000 words later.. I'm done..
and now I have to leave for school..
yay me..
I need a hug :(

it's beautiful tho.. if i do say so myself.. I've never seen a better looking proposal
*admires homework*

Wednesday, October 4, 2006

It's like a prison

I think I might be driving myself crazy. I really really do.I feel so trapped in my thoughts.

The same things, everyday, back and forth, over and over again. And then they're contradictory, and then it's right back to where I started.

It's a constant struggle. A fight I may not win. I'm confused. I'm stuck.
And then there's nothing.
Why does it always have to happen like this. I always have to second guess a decision I was sure I was confident in, 100%.
More than one decision. It's like, as soon as I'm second guessing myself in one area, I have to go and re-evaluate and second guess another.
I can't just let myself be happy. Maybe because I'm not entirely sure I am? I don't know.
I'm trying. But that's all I can do for right now..