Sunday, November 26, 2006

Living life on purpose..

We often forget, in our passing days, the fragility of life. That tomorrow may never come, and that there are things that we had just wished we had done. The next time I want to say caring words to somebody, I know I should. When a friend calls to chat about life, I'll lend a listening ear. When I'm arguing with someone, I should be slow to show anger.
I don't want to be stuck not having the courage to live life, or being ignorant to these things.
There is no need to spend life on autopilot.
Most of us seem to think that things are going to change someday, all by themselves. But they usually don't. We need to make these changes for ourselves. Mould our lives the way we want to live them. It is pointless to run through the motions of life like you have unlimited time. You never know when you'll get that realization that you don't, or that phone call that tells you that you're running out of all this time that you thought you had.
Someday you'll have a sudden realization that things don't always work the way you expect them to and suddenly you're aware that many things are out of whack.
It doesn't make any sense to live in thought everyday, failing to back up your thoughts, dreams and plans with any action. Any action. Life is short and time is fleeting.

I would rather enjoy life and what it and the world have to offer to me.
To be honest, the thought kind of scares me, but what scares me more, is knowing that I didn't even try. I've lost so many people in my life and the only one I can think of that probably didn't have any regrets is my Papa. But he knew it was coming, even if he didn't share this with anybody until years later, near the end. When I go back and look at his life you can pinpoint exactly when he knew, just by the way he changed his life.
He did alot of amazing things and I'm really proud to be able to say that. Now I know that I want to be just like that. I want to love somebody, the way he loved my Grandma, and the way he loved the rest of his family.
One thing that I remember most about him and her is that whenever they were next to each other, they held hands and they were always looking at each other, smiling, and looking into each other's eyes, almost as if there was some sort of secret that only the two of them knew.
I want that, so much. I feel like they were so lucky to have one another."I shall die of having lived."

I am so tired of wasting time. The question is: Do I have the courage to move forward, and live my life to the fullest?
Do any of us really; without a reason that we may deem worthy?

Living life to the fullest is waking up on Monday morning with no complaints. Knowing that you always deserve to laugh. It's doing what feels right no matter what. It's doing what you want to no matter how stupid you look.
It's about being yourself, because even if they can say you are doing other things wrong.. no one can tell you that you are doing that wrong.

So how do you do this?
How do you accomplish this, really?
Maybe it's different for everyone.
I can't say that money equals happiness for me. Money can't make me happy, but who am I to say that it really doesn't for someone else?
I want to live and love and be content. I love being able to smile everyday and having a reason to laugh. I want to have a plan and know that I'm accomplishing things that I've set out to do. At the same time I just want to live life and let it take me where it wants me to go.
I want to love without boundaries, without rules and "regulations." I want to feel that I don't need to hold back, that I can say and do things that make me happy, and that I can make others happy.
I don't wish for happiness because the meaning of happiness can change on a daily basis, it's never the same. I wish to be content, and know in my heart that this is what is right for me.I want to take all of the chances that I held back on and that I'm holding back on right now. I want to do everything, be everywhere and know that I'm doing everything in my power to live my life the way that I crave to.
I don't care that I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life. It changes all the time, and I am admittedly just waiting for the sign that may never come. The sign that "THIS is what I should be doing."

It changes all the time, and it's never consistent.
I want to write. I want to make a difference in people's lives. That is what I want to do, and it clearly does not point to any single career path. Not that I need it to, I know that I can always write on the side, and that makes me happy.
But how do I help other people? I don't know. Maybe I should continue what I'm doing and cousel people. Maybe I should continue what I'm doing and apply for a position with the OPP. Maybe I really should give up and just write?
Maybe, "it's not what you do in life (that makes it all worthwhile), it's who you do it with." (A valuable life lesson from Family Guy ;)

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WooHoo, what a ride!"

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Terrible Day!!

I really didn't think that my week could get any worse.
OSAP is already screwing me over for my first year of a course that was such a waste of my time and now this.
*pouts* because I can...

My mom left me a million messages while I was in class today about how I needed to call her immediately and how it was important. This is usual mom stuff for her but I kind of got the feeling it was more important than "I need you to pick out paint over the phone."
As it turns out, I was right. So Ange and I are being sued by our old asshole landlord from last summer. Great. Like I needed anything else to make my life more stressful..
My mom, being the kind of person that she is, already has a lawyer and all the forms for me to fill out. Go mom.
The thing is, it's all bullshit.
He's suing us for leaving our lease early.
There's no way around it, guilty as charged.
But with good reason. Very good reason. Lots of them in fact.
All of these reasons, are listed in the Tenant's Protection Act., which can make our lease null and void. Awesome.And we did send him a registered letter, informing him of our impending move.
This is so messed up. It ruined my entire day by 11 AM. That's just screwed up in itself...
I won't go into details... but to help myself de-stress a bit, and get myself organized to fill out all the stupid legal paperwork, that has to be done by this weekend, I'm going to run through a few different things that happened.
Luckily. Somewhere.. I have a log of everything that happened, with dates and approximate times, just in case something like this happened, since he was a complete dick. Go Ange's mom.. and her let's back ourselves up legally plan.
(On top of all this stuff, there are police reports and a letter from the Gas Company)
What he's suing us for is $7000. This is for back rent and for utilities while his new tentant(s) were living there. Which is complete bullshit. Everything that was in my name was transferred over to our new house. He didn't have to get the utilities turned back on, that was his decision.
Anyway, a quick Kevin Flood is a dick landlord list is:
(Keep in mind we only lived there for 2 months)
He routinely called at 2 and 4 AM.
He left harassing messages for all of us.
Randomly showed up at the house, demanding rent that we had already paid and been given receipts for it. Then when we kindly pointed this out (around midnight usually) he'd demand the next few months rent.
[I did give into this once, went to the bank and gave him $1000 cash. BS eh?]
He tried to harass Ange about me.. neglecting to realize it was me on the phone..
After about 2 weeks of living there we had the gas switched from his name to ours. The gas company told us that they could not turn it on, because the furnace was unsafe. This was because SOMEbody had cut through a gas line and a pipe with a saw.. ya. safe.
He gave people the key to our house.. and let them go in as they please, without informing us.
He had the neighbours and others watch us and report back what we had been doing. Then interrogated us about it.and the kicker (of the short list at least)was that while I had just gotten out of the shower, was only in a towel, in the laundry room, talking to Ange, he decided to let himself in, take a walking tour of our house, and snoop. While we were there. He then quietly let himself back out.
After 1 month of all of this, we were all afraid to be in the house by ourselves and were afraid to even open the door or look out the window to see who was there when we were alone, and made plans to move.

and thus ends my rant so far. I hate landlords. The next house I live in, I will buy and not rent.
They suck. The End.

Monday, November 20, 2006

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." -- Louisa May Alcott

I'm so upset right now...
Something has been bothering me for well over two weeks now. Since I got back to North Bay from my visit home pretty much.. and I'd really like to sit here and write out everything, every little detail, because there are certain people, who can read my blog who's opinions I value and advice I would appreciate, but I can't. Too many people can read my blog now..
I don't mean to single anybody out, because it's not like that, there isn't a specific person that I don't want reading this, it's just more of a private thing.. I guess.
One thing I miss about being at home was that there was always somebody that I could talk to if I was upset.
Being that there are very few people that I don't mind sharing absolutely every little detail of every little thing with, it was handy to have a group of friends where there was at least one person I could talk to about whatever was afflicting me. It was never the same person for every situation, but always someone.
Every week in one of my classes we have two hour sessions where we sit in groups of three and just talk. We're practising yeah, but I'm getting to the point where I actually like being in the "client" role and being able to talk about whatever I feel like, no matter how trivial and no matter how serious.
I wish I could do that with my friends, but it's just not the same when you're this far away and have to do it over the phone. They can't tell you're upset and they can't tell that you need them.. and they just kind of brush it off as a friendly phone call and in the process brush you off.
There are a couple of people who I really did think I could tell anything too. But now that I'm in this particular situation I guess I know that I can't really..
I want to. I really do. But I think I've gone back to that stage in some friendships where I still feel like I'm being judged by how I think and feel and what I say..
It's a strange feeling to go from that to this, whatever this is.
It's not that I don't trust them, I do, completely, with all of my heart. It's just me.
I think.
With some people, we've never even been there. This is new, it would be moving up a stage in our friendship and I'm not sure I'm prepared for that. I'm really sensitive when it comes to discussing my feelings and I would be hurt by anything that even seemed like passing judgement..
LoL I'm starting to sound ridiculous..
Earlier tonight I realized something. When Nathan decided that we were over for good I lost what I valued most about our relationship. Even when we weren't together, but there was still a possibility of trying again, he was always there. I could come to him no matter what, and talk to him about anything.I could be upset over the stupidest thing and it didn't matter. He didn't care that sometimes I would cry, or that sometimes when I was crying he ended up with mascara on his t-shirt, or that it takes me a while to stop, even after I've calmed down.
I've lost that, and it kind of hurts.
I want it again. I just want that level of comfort with someone again. I want to be able to say or do anything, about anything, serious or ridiculous or something coming completely out of left field and not feel like an idiot afterwards.
I want to be able to cry and not feel embarassed.
Someone who sincerely wants to give me that comfort, and is sincerely not judging me based on what I say and someone who knows that I don't need them to fix it, just that I need to be able to talk about it, or just cry... lol I'm emotional when something is bothering me.
That's what I need.
That's what I want.
But it's one thing that I want that I have no desire to pursue, only because I don't know where to look really..
If anybody does know.. give me a heads up? lol
I wish I had somebody right now... then I could get this off my chest. Perhaps stop having these, what are becoming, weekly nightmares and just move on.

What a depressing post. lol.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

I love happy trails...

I was reading a bunch of posts from one of my myspace groups and the forum is all about body hair. Essentially whether it's preferable or not on men. The general consensus is that it doesn't matter, as long as there is some kind of general maintenance and it isn't growing wildly everywhere.
It's pretty funny, I must admit.
I was thinking about it.. and I don't know. I don't think I have a preference either way.. but I sure do love happy trails.
Not for any particular functional reason.. I just like the feeling of waking up in the morning, naked, next to a man and playing with the hair on his happy trail. I always have.

She watched the sun rise, Tear Stained Cheeks & a Broken Heart to show for what love can do to a girl.

"If someone told me that the love of my life was living back home or in Vancouver waiting for me, I'd stop this sentence here, grab a bag and head for the airport. I'm not sure whether it's fortunate or not that love is much more complicated than that."

I am not made out for the love thing... Drinks on me..

"Let's run away together"
(you hardly know me)
"I know all I need to know"

**Humphrey Bogart
(one of my favourite quotes, it appears in many blogs)

[I apologize if at some points, in the midst of my rambling, it begins to not make much sense]

I was about to jump into bed last night when an IM popped up from J. We hadn't really talked for a while so I decided to stay up and chat for a bit. (A bit turned into almost 9 AM *rolls eyes* I have no self control)
I was kind of getting annoyed because he kept bringing up how if I had moved closer to him, instead of here then we may be "together" right now *cue eye roll, once more*.[BtW, I love the assumption that not only would I be all up for that, but that there is no one else in my life, when all summer, until he turned into obsessive crazy guy, there was. Plus Mr. TK who somehow managed to make his way into my thoughts everyday and drive me crazy, :) in a good way.. and still does..]
Plus, I'm not about to move to a city, and change my life around for a guy unless we're 100% sure about being together. Even then, if he really wants to be with you, and only you, he'll wait until it works for both of you.I've changed my life around completely for someone once before and I ended up with a broken heart. I'm not about to put myself in the position to be hurt that way again.
Before I sent away my acceptance for college, my mom questioned my motives for staying in the Dirty W, and she was right to do it. I was staying for him. I knew at the time it was a stupid decision, and that was confirmed by how it turns out. I denied it to her then and I can't bring myself to ever admit it.
It hurts alot when you think you're in love with someone and he tells you "fine, if you go away for school, we're over," and then to end up apart anyway.

The conversation eventually made it's way to me explaining to him why it never would have worked out between us anyway, there's no reason why I shouldn't tell him and I have no problem being straightforward.
Needless to say, he was slightly offended, not that they were irrational,or untrue reasons, which he knew. They were completely reasonable assumptions based on past experiences, which he is still debating with me, but it really doesn't matter now.

Then we started talking about the summer and our dating experiences and he came to the conclusion that, even though there were plenty of women interested in him, he wasn't interested in dating or being in a relationship and probably wouldn't be for a very long time. [lmao, then why say something about us being together? that really doesn't make sense don't you think...just saying.]

I don't think that's what my problem is.
I just hate dating. I hate the actual process of going on a date.
I can hang out with somebody for the longest time, even to the point where there's the understanding that we're "together" (although you have to point that out to me... lmao, apparently I'm oblivious) and as soon as you call it dating, or we go on an official date, it's over. It ruins things. It never fails. It's a proven fact. I'm cursed. It doesn't matter how long we've been hanging out, or how comfortable we are with each other, as soon as it hits that point, I ruin it. I have yet to find a guy that can make me feel comfortable in both situations.

I know that when I do, he's probably the right guy for me.

I know I could just assume that I'm all grown up and mature, but that's really not it. I've been on enough dates, with enough different people to know that it doesn't matter who I'm with, or what we're doing, if it's a date, it's not going to work for me, and if eventually I do find something that works for me, I should probably stick with it. :)

Essentially, technically speaking, it sucks :P LoL

I love being single and I love being in a relationship equally as much, but I don't know if I'll ever get to that point again, as much as I care about certain people and just wish that I could.
I love having someone to think about, to come home to, to cuddle with, to wake up next to, to talk to, and to goof around with. There is nothing I love more.

Thank God for time.

Maybe I just need more than what I've allowed myself, and really, when you think about it, I have more than enough of it before I can realistically even be in a relationship.
[527 days, until I graduate, in case anybody is counting... lol]
Unless somewhere down the line, I fall for someone, and they don't mind having to travel 6 hours to see me once in a while, and they don't mind not being able to see me, more than one weekend a month, when I come home.
It's hard for any long term relationship to get to the point where both parties feel secure in a long distance relationship, let alone a relationship that is just beginning.So I'm sure, when you decide that it's going to be a long distance relationship, it's something you know you're going to want to stick with.
If I knew that I had found "the one" and that I would fall for him head over heels, I couldn't help but put everything into it that I could. I would probably do anything for him. (lol, refer to the first paragraph)

I'm in love with the idea of love, I can't help it, I'm a romantic.

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

I don't know why or how I let people do this to me. I'm so upset. So mad. Just plain pissed off right now.

Why is it so easy for me to just give in sometimes and let people get me worked up and make me feel this way??
I feel useless, like there is no way to make myself feel any better about this.
I'm trying really hard to not let it bother me, but once again it does. Once again, it wins.
It's always going to, too.
It's not fair, I have no control over it when it is clearly something that involves me. Maybe I shouldn't have control.. but I should be given some sort of heads up. Some kind of clue.
Just say it. Just be straight with me. I'm not fragile, I'm not going to break. Really.
I promise.

I wish I had somebody, somewhere, anywhere, that could just always make me feel better when I'm sad like this. Someone who at least wanted a shot at trying..
Someone who would give me a great big hug and a kiss on the forehead because I'm frustrated, and they know that's what I need.

I know that to be upset about something completely unrelated, and to wish for a someone seems trivial. But I just really could use that right now.
Even just knowing that I have the security of the feelings of someone who cares about me in that way would help right now.
It's so hard to find, and so much harder to keep.
I hate getting used to having it, and then having it taken away. Or just feeling like it's gone.
:( where is it? I want to find it..