Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Pretty as a --HeaRt-AcHe--

I'm going to make this short and sweet :)
As of today, I've become terminally single.
As a choice.
I'm tired of waiting to end up hurt, although I know it's pessimistic of me to think that way.
I'm tired of being hurt.
And, I never again want to hear that someone is flattered by how hurt I was by something that they did, that affected me a great deal.
I'm tired of wondering what love is. If I've found it. If it's passed me by already, or if I'll ever even have the opportunity to find it.
I never again want to be told that someone loves me, but only half of him loves me. The other half is searching for something else. For what one can only assume, is someone else.
I am not a placekeeper. I'm not here to keep you company until something better comes along.
That is a terrible way to treat someone, I don't care who you are.
If you want to be with me. Be with me. Is it really that hard?
I've spent last night and tonight in tears. Because I've apparently taken, "You know, I'm really flattered that you are so hurt by what happened between us. What I did to you," the wrong way.
Or that I've taken, "Well yeah I want to date other people, but I just don't know where to meet them, so why don't we keep dating instead," the wrong way.
Or that I've taken, "You know that I love you right? It's just that only half of me loves you," the wrong way.
I never realized that I took everything the wrong way. Absolutely everything. Apparently nothing can be taken at face value anymore. Nobody can just be upfront and honest with how they feel. They have to skate around it, "trying not to hurt you," all the while hurting you more, deeper and so much worse than it ever would have been with just the honest truth.
I'm beginning to think that such a thing just doesn't exist these days.
If there is someone out there that can be like that, then maybe I'll consider changing how I feel just for them. They're worth that chance if they're taking it upon themselves to take a risk like that in today's world.
The thing is, I know I deserve more. I know I deserve better and I'm not afraid to look. I'm just tired of setbacks, I'm tired of things that no longer matter being thrown in my face.
I want to be trusted, because I've done nothing to deserve otherwise.
I want to eventually be loved. Because I know I deserve it. Not just loved a little bit, or half as much as they could. I want to be loved wholly, and without question.Why is it that I seem to fall into the same trap everytime? There's always going to be someone or something else? Isn't there? :(
It makes me so sad to know that.
Or if not know that, to feel that way: like I know it to be true.
I just feel so empty right now.
I shouldn't, I have so much in my life right now, so many terrific people, and opportunities.. but I do.

I'm done working on me. I'm where I want to be pretty much right now. With regards to who I am as a person.
I just wish I could be with someone who wants to be with me, and who can appreciate me and care for me. With no stipulations, no restrictions. Nothing.It seems so impossible.
Soooo... I pretty much give up. I admit defeat. You win. It's over.
I think he's ruined me.
Sorry Tom. You're an amazing.. incredible guy.. like I can't even begin to describe. Like I've pretty much said before, you're perfect. Almost too perfect. And I would love to get to know you even better when you get back from Australia but, like I said, I give up. On it all. I really hate to pass on a guy like you. I hope that you know how lucky a girl is to find you.
I don't know, maybe by then I won't be feeling so pessimistic, or maybe you'll change my mind, you have a tendancy to do that. But we'll see..And Chris.. dear :) I know I said I'd marry you one day, but I know that one day you'll find a girl that's just perfect for you, someone who's a beer bong challenge and won't argue about having a beer bong at the reception -- hey, I agreed on the keg stands did I not? :) -- (I can see the wedding now haha) and someone who will take care of you, and make you soup and whatnot next time you break your arm... :P but hopefully, this time, it's your girlfriend.. not your buddy's. ( :) I'm just teasing, you know that )

So to end this off on a nice pessimistic, negative note, because (if it's not obvious by now) that's just how I'm feeling, I'm going to go curl up under my covers and not come out until I'm leaving to go home on the 4th. Also I refuse to answer my phone, at all, between now and then. It really, mostly (because I still have a soft spot for a couple of you), won't matter who you are, or why you're calling.
I just feel like... yuck. For lack of a better descriptive word.
I wish life was like a fairytale. I could use my knight in shining armour right about now.

I don't want people to take this the wrong way. I don't need to be with someone to validate myself. I just feel like I have so much to give, and like I could make somebody incredibly happy. I'm willing to sacrifice many things, it's part of relationships with anybody, but being happy and content is the one thing I just can't give up. I would never ask anyone to give it up for me, and I cannot fathom how anyone could ask it of anybody.

Maybe I'm just emotional and irrational right now...?
Meh. I don't care at this particualr second.
I'm sad, so this is just how it's going to be.
I'm scared I won't change my mind.

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