Friday, June 29, 2007

Ugh! The First Post Is Always The Hardest!

I am a new mom.


It is a full time job. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.

I feel like the whole story of how I came to be pregnant and everything leading up to this point is a long and complicated one. Really though, it's not. It's just a little difficult to understand, for myself.
I say that I had no idea that I was pregnant, and in reality, I didn't, but at the same time, I don't know how I couldn't. Shouldn't I have known? Had some kind of instinct kick in, had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind?
I know, not everybody realizes right away that they're pregnant, but it just boggles my mind, still, to this day. Last August I moved 8 hours away from the town that I call home to start anew. A new apartment, a new college, a new program.. new everything. I was so overwhelmed with everything, all of the newness, and all of the classes, all day, everyday, and searching for a job, constant car problems, eventually moving from my comfy little 1 bedroom apartment, away from the hustle and bustle of everythinig, into the dorms at the college (ugh, with FIVE roommates), in the middle of everything. I was utterly exhausted, but I figured that it was taking a toll and catching up on me.
In January, after coming home for Christmas break, I needed to come home. I was still completely exhausted, was sleeping all day, all night, through classes - - I just needed a break.
I moved back in with my parents and began a job search.
I don't remember exactly when but I suddenly came to the realization that I hadn't had my period. In months. (Sex either, lol)
I panicked.
I called my girlfriend A who insisted I come over immediately and take a pregnancy test.
It turned positive immediately.
More panic.
I went out to her living room and told her and her fiance the news. Made a lame joke.
A was ecstatic. She was expecting as well and was enthralled that we'd be doing it together.
We went to the walk-in clinic the next day and talked to the doctor who said "Of course you're pregnant, look at you." Ouch. lol I had no idea at all that I was showing. I felt like an idiot. I remember telling him that I couldn't be pregnant, because if I was I had to be at least 5 months along. He told me that he guessed I was further along than that.
I was immediately scheduled for an ultrasound, which revealed that I was approximately 26 weeks along. Which makes me somewhere around 6 months pregnant and completely unaware of it.
Holy crap eh?

(the photo is about 2 weeks after I found out, so around 28 weeks)

I had an incredibly easy pregnancy (obviously, lol) No morning sickness, no heartburn, nothing pregnancy like at all.
I went 10 days overdue and had to be induced due to significant loss of amniotic fluid. My labour was very easy, 3 hours from start to finish, with no tearing or painkillers. It was an amazing experience that I would love to have again.

(The photo is 10 days overdue)

(Immediately after his birth)

My DS is now 7 weeks old.

He is simply amazing
I am a single mom, and it's hard. I am one of the lucky few that have their parents there to help along the way. I know I probably could have gotten this far on my own but I feel like I couldn't have done it without them. It helps so much to have them around, doing all that they do.
As for his father... let's just say I really can't pick 'em lol
He's never seen him and we haven't been in contact since about March.

This is tough. Extremely hard. But I wouldn't change this for the world. He means so much to me and I love him with all my heart. Honestly, I'm still waiting for everything to sink in and I know I'm slowly getting there, but reality hasn't hit quite yet. Some days I just go through the motions, it's all routine now, but there are always moments, and they last for just a second, where I think to myself, "Wow, I'm a mom.. this is an actual little human being, and I created him." And then just as quickly as it came, it's gone and I'm back to not having a second to think or reflect and back to dirty diapers, messed outfits, a crying/laughing/smiling/screaming baby and worrying. Oh the worrying! lol
It's never-ending, that's for sure.

And then it all comes down to this, every single day. I sit here and I think. About millions and millions of things and then I decide I should probably get some sleep, I'm going to have a pretty busy day. I have to check on him just a few more times before I feel okay to sleep. Check to make sure he's breathing, lol, and every night I make sure to give him a kiss while I watch him sleep and I tell him I love him.

It's the strangest feeling in the world, having all this love for somebody that, really, I hardly even know. Yet, he's a part of me.

I love him, I really do.
I'm so happy he is a part of my life.


jeanie said...

Congratulations - talk about a U turn in your life!!!

Enjoy your baby.

(Came here by virtue of Semantically Driven)

Sean said...

so what's that look on the 10 days overdue photo? i can't figure it out...