Ugh! The First Post Is Always The Hardest!

I am a new mom.

:)

It is a full time job. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.

I feel like the whole story of how I came to be pregnant and everything leading up to this point is a long and complicated one. Really though, it's not. It's just a little difficult to understand, for myself.
I say that I had no idea that I was pregnant, and in reality, I didn't, but at the same time, I don't know how I couldn't. Shouldn't I have known? Had some kind of instinct kick in, had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind?
I know, not everybody realizes right away that they're pregnant, but it just boggles my mind, still, to this day. Last August I moved 8 hours away from the town that I call home to start anew. A new apartment, a new college, a new program.. new everything. I was so overwhelmed with everything, all of the newness, and all of the classes, all day, everyday, and searching for a job, constant car problems, eventually moving from my comfy little 1 bedroom apartment, away from the hustle and bustle of everythinig, into the dorms at the college (ugh, with FIVE roommates), in the middle of everything. I was utterly exhausted, but I figured that it was taking a toll and catching up on me.
In January, after coming home for Christmas break, I needed to come home. I was still completely exhausted, was sleeping all day, all night, through classes - - I just needed a break.
I moved back in with my parents and began a job search.
I don't remember exactly when but I suddenly came to the realization that I hadn't had my period. In months. (Sex either, lol)
I panicked.
I called my girlfriend A who insisted I come over immediately and take a pregnancy test.
It turned positive immediately.
More panic.
I went out to her living room and told her and her fiance the news. Made a lame joke.
A was ecstatic. She was expecting as well and was enthralled that we'd be doing it together.
We went to the walk-in clinic the next day and talked to the doctor who said "Of course you're pregnant, look at you." Ouch. lol I had no idea at all that I was showing. I felt like an idiot. I remember telling him that I couldn't be pregnant, because if I was I had to be at least 5 months along. He told me that he guessed I was further along than that.
I was immediately scheduled for an ultrasound, which revealed that I was approximately 26 weeks along. Which makes me somewhere around 6 months pregnant and completely unaware of it.
Holy crap eh?

(the photo is about 2 weeks after I found out, so around 28 weeks)

I had an incredibly easy pregnancy (obviously, lol) No morning sickness, no heartburn, nothing pregnancy like at all.
I went 10 days overdue and had to be induced due to significant loss of amniotic fluid. My labour was very easy, 3 hours from start to finish, with no tearing or painkillers. It was an amazing experience that I would love to have again.

(The photo is 10 days overdue)

(Immediately after his birth)

My DS is now 7 weeks old.



He is simply amazing
I am a single mom, and it's hard. I am one of the lucky few that have their parents there to help along the way. I know I probably could have gotten this far on my own but I feel like I couldn't have done it without them. It helps so much to have them around, doing all that they do.
As for his father... let's just say I really can't pick 'em lol
He's never seen him and we haven't been in contact since about March.

This is tough. Extremely hard. But I wouldn't change this for the world. He means so much to me and I love him with all my heart. Honestly, I'm still waiting for everything to sink in and I know I'm slowly getting there, but reality hasn't hit quite yet. Some days I just go through the motions, it's all routine now, but there are always moments, and they last for just a second, where I think to myself, "Wow, I'm a mom.. this is an actual little human being, and I created him." And then just as quickly as it came, it's gone and I'm back to not having a second to think or reflect and back to dirty diapers, messed outfits, a crying/laughing/smiling/screaming baby and worrying. Oh the worrying! lol
It's never-ending, that's for sure.

And then it all comes down to this, every single day. I sit here and I think. About millions and millions of things and then I decide I should probably get some sleep, I'm going to have a pretty busy day. I have to check on him just a few more times before I feel okay to sleep. Check to make sure he's breathing, lol, and every night I make sure to give him a kiss while I watch him sleep and I tell him I love him.

It's the strangest feeling in the world, having all this love for somebody that, really, I hardly even know. Yet, he's a part of me.

I love him, I really do.
I'm so happy he is a part of my life.

I think I've got a case of the blahs. ugh.

I'm frustrated. and angry. and sad.
And a million other things.
UGH!
I don't know, maybe it's because I'm so pregnant, maybe it's just the stress of all the decisions I have to make or the stress of not being able to find a job because I'm so pregnant, or perhaps it's the stress of not having anything done or ready for the baby other than putting up the wallpaper, which I actually haven't finished yet. I have one wall left to do.
Or maybe it's just because I'm so pregnant and still not mentally prepared to deal with it.
I barely have time to get used to the idea before he gets here. There's only about 9 weeks left until my due date.

The last few days I've just been sitting at home, doing nothing, usually lying in bed, sleeping, or just laying there. The television is on but really I'm not watching it. I don't know what to do with myself.It's not even that there is nothing to do or nobody to see. People call all the time to see if I'd like to hang out or meet up at the coffeeshop or whatnot and it seems like a terrific idea up until the time when we're actually going to go. Then I have no motivation to go or to see anyone.

It's gotten to the point where the only time I leave the house is when I have a doctors appointment or when I go to the grocery store with my mom, because she thinks that I need to get out of the house.She's probably right, but meh.As much as I know I'll love him when he gets here, and as much as I do already, this just wasn't what I had planned for my life right now, and it's just plain frustrating. I have to change everything, and I still have no clue what I'm going to do in the next few months, or the next year.

uggggggggh.

"We promise according to our hopes and perform according to our fears."

Be careful what you wish for, you just may get it.I complained about North Bay and sincerely did not want to be here, wished I could go home without taking into consideration how much I love what I'm studying and how I can't do it back home. Now I'm all packed and heading home in the morning because of circumstances beyond my control.I'm losing something I really loved..Now I just have to wait and see what is going to happen I suppose.

I say it all the time, but now that I have to apply it to myself, the cliche becomes a little hard to swallow, "Everything happens for a reason." I have to believe it. I did believe it.
Before it felt like my life was falling apart at the seams faster than I can react to it.

I hear karma is a bitch.
Although I have no idea what I've done for all of this to happen. Perhaps I'm looking at it from the wrong perspective. Perhaps I can't think of it as happening for a reason and as karmic all at the same time.I haven't done anything to "deserve" this persay.
What I did do was work really hard to get here and work really hard to stay here only to have it not work out in the end.

It's so incredibly frustrating.It's that feeling of having everything and waking up with nothing.
Promises.We make them all the time, most of us on a daily basis. We make them to ourselves, to others, to nobody imparticular..
"We promise according to our hopes and perform according to our fears."

Now what?
I have no plan.
I have no ideas.
I have nothing now..

Great.

Since when did being single become something to be sorry about?

Just curious..
What is so wrong with me being single? I can't go a single conversation about relationship status without my romantically attatched friends, men and women alike, trying to set me up with a friend of a friend, or a friend of a boyfriend, or a friend from way back when, or a guy in their soc. class. It's getting absolutely ridiculous.
I know I've already asked, but again, since when is there something so wrong with me being single? Yes, I do realize that I've been officially single for well over a year and a half now. So...? lol, I don't see the problem here.
I don't need to be in a relationship to feel good about myself, or happy. I'm still waiting for that guy that decides he's going to convince me that I want to be with him.
I've gone through enough with guys to know that things need to go both ways. If I'm telling him that I want him and that he makes me happy and he doesn't feel the same way enough that he wants to be with me too, it's not that big a deal. I deserve exactly that and I don't see any reason to compromise really. I haven't made a list of impossible expectations. All I want is someone that I make happy, that wants to make me happy too. As my friends, you should all be happy and supportive of me. Just the way I am for you, even if I have my own concerns about your relationship. I don't call you, hear that you're getting married and say, "You know what, I have this friend of a friend's neighbour's brother's cousin and I think you should marry him instead. No? Well, just keep it in mind. I'm going to give him your number just in case."I don't want to be set up, I don't want to go on blind dates, I don't want to conveniently be the only single person in a group of couples, with the exception of that single guy that you've been telling me about. Is my life so boring that I need someone else to make it interesting? That I need a relationship to make it anything worth hearing about?
Yeah, it may sound selfish, and yes, it probably sounds cocky of me to say that I don't need all of that. I have no problem getting dates, I assure you. I just don't want them. When I do decide that I'm going to date, it will be on my terms, not somebody else's. When there is a guy who says I like you and I want to try and see if there is something there between us, THEN I will consider it.
You tell me that I'm going to be waiting around forever, but that isn't true. It happens, trust me. Plus, who says I wouldn't mind waiting around forever for that one perfect guy. He's out there. I wouldn't settle for anything less. Just because I'm not in a relationship doesn't mean anything.
I've been on dates, and you not hearing all the non-existent juicy details doesn't negate their existence. They've just meant nothing and gone nowhere.
So, for all of my friends that seem to be so utterly worried about me that the first thing they say to me when I see them for the first time in 4 months is that they have the perfect guy for me to meet, please, just stop it already.

Living life on purpose..

We often forget, in our passing days, the fragility of life. That tomorrow may never come, and that there are things that we had just wished we had done. The next time I want to say caring words to somebody, I know I should. When a friend calls to chat about life, I'll lend a listening ear. When I'm arguing with someone, I should be slow to show anger.
I don't want to be stuck not having the courage to live life, or being ignorant to these things.
There is no need to spend life on autopilot.
Most of us seem to think that things are going to change someday, all by themselves. But they usually don't. We need to make these changes for ourselves. Mould our lives the way we want to live them. It is pointless to run through the motions of life like you have unlimited time. You never know when you'll get that realization that you don't, or that phone call that tells you that you're running out of all this time that you thought you had.
Someday you'll have a sudden realization that things don't always work the way you expect them to and suddenly you're aware that many things are out of whack.
It doesn't make any sense to live in thought everyday, failing to back up your thoughts, dreams and plans with any action. Any action. Life is short and time is fleeting.

I would rather enjoy life and what it and the world have to offer to me.
To be honest, the thought kind of scares me, but what scares me more, is knowing that I didn't even try. I've lost so many people in my life and the only one I can think of that probably didn't have any regrets is my Papa. But he knew it was coming, even if he didn't share this with anybody until years later, near the end. When I go back and look at his life you can pinpoint exactly when he knew, just by the way he changed his life.
He did alot of amazing things and I'm really proud to be able to say that. Now I know that I want to be just like that. I want to love somebody, the way he loved my Grandma, and the way he loved the rest of his family.
One thing that I remember most about him and her is that whenever they were next to each other, they held hands and they were always looking at each other, smiling, and looking into each other's eyes, almost as if there was some sort of secret that only the two of them knew.
I want that, so much. I feel like they were so lucky to have one another."I shall die of having lived."

I am so tired of wasting time. The question is: Do I have the courage to move forward, and live my life to the fullest?
Do any of us really; without a reason that we may deem worthy?

Living life to the fullest is waking up on Monday morning with no complaints. Knowing that you always deserve to laugh. It's doing what feels right no matter what. It's doing what you want to no matter how stupid you look.
It's about being yourself, because even if they can say you are doing other things wrong.. no one can tell you that you are doing that wrong.

So how do you do this?
How do you accomplish this, really?
Maybe it's different for everyone.
I can't say that money equals happiness for me. Money can't make me happy, but who am I to say that it really doesn't for someone else?
I want to live and love and be content. I love being able to smile everyday and having a reason to laugh. I want to have a plan and know that I'm accomplishing things that I've set out to do. At the same time I just want to live life and let it take me where it wants me to go.
I want to love without boundaries, without rules and "regulations." I want to feel that I don't need to hold back, that I can say and do things that make me happy, and that I can make others happy.
I don't wish for happiness because the meaning of happiness can change on a daily basis, it's never the same. I wish to be content, and know in my heart that this is what is right for me.I want to take all of the chances that I held back on and that I'm holding back on right now. I want to do everything, be everywhere and know that I'm doing everything in my power to live my life the way that I crave to.
I don't care that I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life. It changes all the time, and I am admittedly just waiting for the sign that may never come. The sign that "THIS is what I should be doing."

It changes all the time, and it's never consistent.
I want to write. I want to make a difference in people's lives. That is what I want to do, and it clearly does not point to any single career path. Not that I need it to, I know that I can always write on the side, and that makes me happy.
But how do I help other people? I don't know. Maybe I should continue what I'm doing and cousel people. Maybe I should continue what I'm doing and apply for a position with the OPP. Maybe I really should give up and just write?
Maybe, "it's not what you do in life (that makes it all worthwhile), it's who you do it with." (A valuable life lesson from Family Guy ;)

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WooHoo, what a ride!"

Terrible Day!!

I really didn't think that my week could get any worse.
OSAP is already screwing me over for my first year of a course that was such a waste of my time and now this.
*pouts* because I can...

My mom left me a million messages while I was in class today about how I needed to call her immediately and how it was important. This is usual mom stuff for her but I kind of got the feeling it was more important than "I need you to pick out paint over the phone."
As it turns out, I was right. So Ange and I are being sued by our old asshole landlord from last summer. Great. Like I needed anything else to make my life more stressful..
My mom, being the kind of person that she is, already has a lawyer and all the forms for me to fill out. Go mom.
The thing is, it's all bullshit.
He's suing us for leaving our lease early.
There's no way around it, guilty as charged.
But with good reason. Very good reason. Lots of them in fact.
All of these reasons, are listed in the Tenant's Protection Act., which can make our lease null and void. Awesome.And we did send him a registered letter, informing him of our impending move.
This is so messed up. It ruined my entire day by 11 AM. That's just screwed up in itself...
I won't go into details... but to help myself de-stress a bit, and get myself organized to fill out all the stupid legal paperwork, that has to be done by this weekend, I'm going to run through a few different things that happened.
Luckily. Somewhere.. I have a log of everything that happened, with dates and approximate times, just in case something like this happened, since he was a complete dick. Go Ange's mom.. and her let's back ourselves up legally plan.
(On top of all this stuff, there are police reports and a letter from the Gas Company)
What he's suing us for is $7000. This is for back rent and for utilities while his new tentant(s) were living there. Which is complete bullshit. Everything that was in my name was transferred over to our new house. He didn't have to get the utilities turned back on, that was his decision.
Anyway, a quick Kevin Flood is a dick landlord list is:
(Keep in mind we only lived there for 2 months)
He routinely called at 2 and 4 AM.
He left harassing messages for all of us.
Randomly showed up at the house, demanding rent that we had already paid and been given receipts for it. Then when we kindly pointed this out (around midnight usually) he'd demand the next few months rent.
[I did give into this once, went to the bank and gave him $1000 cash. BS eh?]
He tried to harass Ange about me.. neglecting to realize it was me on the phone..
After about 2 weeks of living there we had the gas switched from his name to ours. The gas company told us that they could not turn it on, because the furnace was unsafe. This was because SOMEbody had cut through a gas line and a pipe with a saw.. ya. safe.
He gave people the key to our house.. and let them go in as they please, without informing us.
He had the neighbours and others watch us and report back what we had been doing. Then interrogated us about it.and the kicker (of the short list at least)was that while I had just gotten out of the shower, was only in a towel, in the laundry room, talking to Ange, he decided to let himself in, take a walking tour of our house, and snoop. While we were there. He then quietly let himself back out.
After 1 month of all of this, we were all afraid to be in the house by ourselves and were afraid to even open the door or look out the window to see who was there when we were alone, and made plans to move.

and thus ends my rant so far. I hate landlords. The next house I live in, I will buy and not rent.
They suck. The End.

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." -- Louisa May Alcott

I'm so upset right now...
Something has been bothering me for well over two weeks now. Since I got back to North Bay from my visit home pretty much.. and I'd really like to sit here and write out everything, every little detail, because there are certain people, who can read my blog who's opinions I value and advice I would appreciate, but I can't. Too many people can read my blog now..
I don't mean to single anybody out, because it's not like that, there isn't a specific person that I don't want reading this, it's just more of a private thing.. I guess.
One thing I miss about being at home was that there was always somebody that I could talk to if I was upset.
Being that there are very few people that I don't mind sharing absolutely every little detail of every little thing with, it was handy to have a group of friends where there was at least one person I could talk to about whatever was afflicting me. It was never the same person for every situation, but always someone.
Every week in one of my classes we have two hour sessions where we sit in groups of three and just talk. We're practising yeah, but I'm getting to the point where I actually like being in the "client" role and being able to talk about whatever I feel like, no matter how trivial and no matter how serious.
I wish I could do that with my friends, but it's just not the same when you're this far away and have to do it over the phone. They can't tell you're upset and they can't tell that you need them.. and they just kind of brush it off as a friendly phone call and in the process brush you off.
There are a couple of people who I really did think I could tell anything too. But now that I'm in this particular situation I guess I know that I can't really..
I want to. I really do. But I think I've gone back to that stage in some friendships where I still feel like I'm being judged by how I think and feel and what I say..
It's a strange feeling to go from that to this, whatever this is.
It's not that I don't trust them, I do, completely, with all of my heart. It's just me.
I think.
With some people, we've never even been there. This is new, it would be moving up a stage in our friendship and I'm not sure I'm prepared for that. I'm really sensitive when it comes to discussing my feelings and I would be hurt by anything that even seemed like passing judgement..
LoL I'm starting to sound ridiculous..
Earlier tonight I realized something. When Nathan decided that we were over for good I lost what I valued most about our relationship. Even when we weren't together, but there was still a possibility of trying again, he was always there. I could come to him no matter what, and talk to him about anything.I could be upset over the stupidest thing and it didn't matter. He didn't care that sometimes I would cry, or that sometimes when I was crying he ended up with mascara on his t-shirt, or that it takes me a while to stop, even after I've calmed down.
I've lost that, and it kind of hurts.
I want it again. I just want that level of comfort with someone again. I want to be able to say or do anything, about anything, serious or ridiculous or something coming completely out of left field and not feel like an idiot afterwards.
I want to be able to cry and not feel embarassed.
Someone who sincerely wants to give me that comfort, and is sincerely not judging me based on what I say and someone who knows that I don't need them to fix it, just that I need to be able to talk about it, or just cry... lol I'm emotional when something is bothering me.
*sigh*
That's what I need.
That's what I want.
But it's one thing that I want that I have no desire to pursue, only because I don't know where to look really..
If anybody does know.. give me a heads up? lol
I wish I had somebody right now... then I could get this off my chest. Perhaps stop having these, what are becoming, weekly nightmares and just move on.

*siiiiiiiigh*
What a depressing post. lol.