A Manifestation of Motherhood

You Should Take A Moment To...

2007-08-10T05:49:00.000-04:00

Check out my new blog.
I needed something with that new blog smell to feel inspired.
I'll still update this one occasionally (about as often as before, sadly :S) Buuuut I just felt like something new!
Enjoy!
:)

The Problem With Women Today

2007-07-17T02:16:00.000-04:00

You know, I was out shopping for some new pants for my new job, which I start today by the way, and I was goofing off and chatting with a girl in the dressing room when she had the nerve to say to me, "What do you mean you're not unhappy with anything about your body? What about..." ...and then she continued on to point out what she believed to be my flaws

.... excuse me? I apologize that I'm happy and content with myself and my body.
It does not bother me that I do not look the same way I did in high school. Not to say that I was not happy with it in high school, I just love the way I have changed.
Yes, I've gone from a size 3 to a size 7, but how can I be unhappy with it? I love my legs and I love my butt, and yes, I've gone from an extra small/small to a medium and sometimes a large, but I love my hips and I love my breasts. This body produced and gave birth to a child. Yeah, I've got a stretch mark or two but why be embarassed or hate it? They're my badge of honour for motherhood and everything I've gone through physically, mentally and emotionally.

I just can't understand why this girl would want me to be unhappy. I'm sorry that you think you're "fat." (yes, of course, a size 4 is always fat.. ??) and I'm sorry that you think you have big thighs and huge arms. But I don't and I'm not going to pretend to empathize with you.

She actually said, "my stomach is so chunky and my thighs have just gotten HUGE...but I guess that just draws attention away from my nose.." and then looked at me and waited..
I kind of wanted to slap her.

What the hell is it with girls today?
If I ever have daughters I hope they can grow up happy and confident with themselves because society today is prepared to just rip them apart.

Ugh! The First Post Is Always The Hardest!

2007-06-29T02:21:00.000-04:00

I am a new mom.

:)

It is a full time job. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.

I feel like the whole story of how I came to be pregnant and everything leading up to this point is a long and complicated one. Really though, it's not. It's just a little difficult to understand, for myself.
I say that I had no idea that I was pregnant, and in reality, I didn't, but at the same time, I don't know how I couldn't. Shouldn't I have known? Had some kind of instinct kick in, had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind?
I know, not everybody realizes right away that they're pregnant, but it just boggles my mind, still, to this day. Last August I moved 8 hours away from the town that I call home to start anew. A new apartment, a new college, a new program.. new everything. I was so overwhelmed with everything, all of the newness, and all of the classes, all day, everyday, and searching for a job, constant car problems, eventually moving from my comfy little 1 bedroom apartment, away from the hustle and bustle of everythinig, into the dorms at the college (ugh, with FIVE roommates), in the middle of everything. I was utterly exhausted, but I figured that it was taking a toll and catching up on me.
In January, after coming home for Christmas break, I needed to come home. I was still completely exhausted, was sleeping all day, all night, through classes - - I just needed a break.
I moved back in with my parents and began a job search.
I don't remember exactly when but I suddenly came to the realization that I hadn't had my period. In months. (Sex either, lol)
I panicked.
I called my girlfriend A who insisted I come over immediately and take a pregnancy test.
It turned positive immediately.
More panic.
I went out to her living room and told her and her fiance the news. Made a lame joke.
A was ecstatic. She was expecting as well and was enthralled that we'd be doing it together.
We went to the walk-in clinic the next day and talked to the doctor who said "Of course you're pregnant, look at you." Ouch. lol I had no idea at all that I was showing. I felt like an idiot. I remember telling him that I couldn't be pregnant, because if I was I had to be at least 5 months along. He told me that he guessed I was further along than that.
I was immediately scheduled for an ultrasound, which revealed that I was approximately 26 weeks along. Which makes me somewhere around 6 months pregnant and completely unaware of it.
Holy crap eh?

(the photo is about 2 weeks after I found out, so around 28 weeks)

I had an incredibly easy pregnancy (obviously, lol) No morning sickness, no heartburn, nothing pregnancy like at all.
I went 10 days overdue and had to be induced due to significant loss of amniotic fluid. My labour was very easy, 3 hours from start to finish, with no tearing or painkillers. It was an amazing experience that I would love to have again.

(The photo is 10 days overdue)

(Immediately after his birth)

My DS is now 7 weeks old.

He is simply amazing
I am a single mom, and it's hard. I am one of the lucky few that have their parents there to help along the way. I know I probably could have gotten this far on my own but I feel like I couldn't have done it without them. It helps so much to have them around, doing all that they do.
As for his father... let's just say I really can't pick 'em lol
He's never seen him and we haven't been in contact since about March.

This is tough. Extremely hard. But I wouldn't change this for the world. He means so much to me and I love him with all my heart. Honestly, I'm still waiting for everything to sink in and I know I'm slowly getting there, but reality hasn't hit quite yet. Some days I just go through the motions, it's all routine now, but there are always moments, and they last for just a second, where I think to myself, "Wow, I'm a mom.. this is an actual little human being, and I created him." And then just as quickly as it came, it's gone and I'm back to not having a second to think or reflect and back to dirty diapers, messed outfits, a crying/laughing/smiling/screaming baby and worrying. Oh the worrying! lol
It's never-ending, that's for sure.

And then it all comes down to this, every single day. I sit here and I think. About millions and millions of things and then I decide I should probably get some sleep, I'm going to have a pretty busy day. I have to check on him just a few more times before I feel okay to sleep. Check to make sure he's breathing, lol, and every night I make sure to give him a kiss while I watch him sleep and I tell him I love him.

It's the strangest feeling in the world, having all this love for somebody that, really, I hardly even know. Yet, he's a part of me.

I love him, I really do.
I'm so happy he is a part of my life.

I think I've got a case of the blahs. ugh.

2007-02-23T00:56:00.000-05:00

I'm frustrated. and angry. and sad.
And a million other things.
UGH!
I don't know, maybe it's because I'm so pregnant, maybe it's just the stress of all the decisions I have to make or the stress of not being able to find a job because I'm so pregnant, or perhaps it's the stress of not having anything done or ready for the baby other than putting up the wallpaper, which I actually haven't finished yet. I have one wall left to do.
Or maybe it's just because I'm so pregnant and still not mentally prepared to deal with it.
I barely have time to get used to the idea before he gets here. There's only about 9 weeks left until my due date.

The last few days I've just been sitting at home, doing nothing, usually lying in bed, sleeping, or just laying there. The television is on but really I'm not watching it. I don't know what to do with myself.It's not even that there is nothing to do or nobody to see. People call all the time to see if I'd like to hang out or meet up at the coffeeshop or whatnot and it seems like a terrific idea up until the time when we're actually going to go. Then I have no motivation to go or to see anyone.

It's gotten to the point where the only time I leave the house is when I have a doctors appointment or when I go to the grocery store with my mom, because she thinks that I need to get out of the house.She's probably right, but meh.As much as I know I'll love him when he gets here, and as much as I do already, this just wasn't what I had planned for my life right now, and it's just plain frustrating. I have to change everything, and I still have no clue what I'm going to do in the next few months, or the next year.

uggggggggh.

"We promise according to our hopes and perform according to our fears."

2007-01-11T00:53:00.000-05:00

Be careful what you wish for, you just may get it.I complained about North Bay and sincerely did not want to be here, wished I could go home without taking into consideration how much I love what I'm studying and how I can't do it back home. Now I'm all packed and heading home in the morning because of circumstances beyond my control.I'm losing something I really loved..Now I just have to wait and see what is going to happen I suppose.

I say it all the time, but now that I have to apply it to myself, the cliche becomes a little hard to swallow, "Everything happens for a reason." I have to believe it. I did believe it.
Before it felt like my life was falling apart at the seams faster than I can react to it.

I hear karma is a bitch.
Although I have no idea what I've done for all of this to happen. Perhaps I'm looking at it from the wrong perspective. Perhaps I can't think of it as happening for a reason and as karmic all at the same time.I haven't done anything to "deserve" this persay.
What I did do was work really hard to get here and work really hard to stay here only to have it not work out in the end.

It's so incredibly frustrating.It's that feeling of having everything and waking up with nothing.
Promises.We make them all the time, most of us on a daily basis. We make them to ourselves, to others, to nobody imparticular..
"We promise according to our hopes and perform according to our fears."

Now what?
I have no plan.
I have no ideas.
I have nothing now..

Great.

Since when did being single become something to be sorry about?

2006-12-18T00:58:00.000-05:00

Just curious..
What is so wrong with me being single? I can't go a single conversation about relationship status without my romantically attatched friends, men and women alike, trying to set me up with a friend of a friend, or a friend of a boyfriend, or a friend from way back when, or a guy in their soc. class. It's getting absolutely ridiculous.
I know I've already asked, but again, since when is there something so wrong with me being single? Yes, I do realize that I've been officially single for well over a year and a half now. So...? lol, I don't see the problem here.
I don't need to be in a relationship to feel good about myself, or happy. I'm still waiting for that guy that decides he's going to convince me that I want to be with him.
I've gone through enough with guys to know that things need to go both ways. If I'm telling him that I want him and that he makes me happy and he doesn't feel the same way enough that he wants to be with me too, it's not that big a deal. I deserve exactly that and I don't see any reason to compromise really. I haven't made a list of impossible expectations. All I want is someone that I make happy, that wants to make me happy too. As my friends, you should all be happy and supportive of me. Just the way I am for you, even if I have my own concerns about your relationship. I don't call you, hear that you're getting married and say, "You know what, I have this friend of a friend's neighbour's brother's cousin and I think you should marry him instead. No? Well, just keep it in mind. I'm going to give him your number just in case."I don't want to be set up, I don't want to go on blind dates, I don't want to conveniently be the only single person in a group of couples, with the exception of that single guy that you've been telling me about. Is my life so boring that I need someone else to make it interesting? That I need a relationship to make it anything worth hearing about?
Yeah, it may sound selfish, and yes, it probably sounds cocky of me to say that I don't need all of that. I have no problem getting dates, I assure you. I just don't want them. When I do decide that I'm going to date, it will be on my terms, not somebody else's. When there is a guy who says I like you and I want to try and see if there is something there between us, THEN I will consider it.
You tell me that I'm going to be waiting around forever, but that isn't true. It happens, trust me. Plus, who says I wouldn't mind waiting around forever for that one perfect guy. He's out there. I wouldn't settle for anything less. Just because I'm not in a relationship doesn't mean anything.
I've been on dates, and you not hearing all the non-existent juicy details doesn't negate their existence. They've just meant nothing and gone nowhere.
So, for all of my friends that seem to be so utterly worried about me that the first thing they say to me when I see them for the first time in 4 months is that they have the perfect guy for me to meet, please, just stop it already.

Living life on purpose..

2006-11-26T01:11:00.000-05:00

We often forget, in our passing days, the fragility of life. That tomorrow may never come, and that there are things that we had just wished we had done. The next time I want to say caring words to somebody, I know I should. When a friend calls to chat about life, I'll lend a listening ear. When I'm arguing with someone, I should be slow to show anger.
I don't want to be stuck not having the courage to live life, or being ignorant to these things.
There is no need to spend life on autopilot.
Most of us seem to think that things are going to change someday, all by themselves. But they usually don't. We need to make these changes for ourselves. Mould our lives the way we want to live them. It is pointless to run through the motions of life like you have unlimited time. You never know when you'll get that realization that you don't, or that phone call that tells you that you're running out of all this time that you thought you had.
Someday you'll have a sudden realization that things don't always work the way you expect them to and suddenly you're aware that many things are out of whack.
It doesn't make any sense to live in thought everyday, failing to back up your thoughts, dreams and plans with any action. Any action. Life is short and time is fleeting.

I would rather enjoy life and what it and the world have to offer to me.
To be honest, the thought kind of scares me, but what scares me more, is knowing that I didn't even try. I've lost so many people in my life and the only one I can think of that probably didn't have any regrets is my Papa. But he knew it was coming, even if he didn't share this with anybody until years later, near the end. When I go back and look at his life you can pinpoint exactly when he knew, just by the way he changed his life.
He did alot of amazing things and I'm really proud to be able to say that. Now I know that I want to be just like that. I want to love somebody, the way he loved my Grandma, and the way he loved the rest of his family.
One thing that I remember most about him and her is that whenever they were next to each other, they held hands and they were always looking at each other, smiling, and looking into each other's eyes, almost as if there was some sort of secret that only the two of them knew.
I want that, so much. I feel like they were so lucky to have one another."I shall die of having lived."

I am so tired of wasting time. The question is: Do I have the courage to move forward, and live my life to the fullest?
Do any of us really; without a reason that we may deem worthy?

Living life to the fullest is waking up on Monday morning with no complaints. Knowing that you always deserve to laugh. It's doing what feels right no matter what. It's doing what you want to no matter how stupid you look.
It's about being yourself, because even if they can say you are doing other things wrong.. no one can tell you that you are doing that wrong.

So how do you do this?
How do you accomplish this, really?
Maybe it's different for everyone.
I can't say that money equals happiness for me. Money can't make me happy, but who am I to say that it really doesn't for someone else?
I want to live and love and be content. I love being able to smile everyday and having a reason to laugh. I want to have a plan and know that I'm accomplishing things that I've set out to do. At the same time I just want to live life and let it take me where it wants me to go.
I want to love without boundaries, without rules and "regulations." I want to feel that I don't need to hold back, that I can say and do things that make me happy, and that I can make others happy.
I don't wish for happiness because the meaning of happiness can change on a daily basis, it's never the same. I wish to be content, and know in my heart that this is what is right for me.I want to take all of the chances that I held back on and that I'm holding back on right now. I want to do everything, be everywhere and know that I'm doing everything in my power to live my life the way that I crave to.
I don't care that I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life. It changes all the time, and I am admittedly just waiting for the sign that may never come. The sign that "THIS is what I should be doing."

It changes all the time, and it's never consistent.
I want to write. I want to make a difference in people's lives. That is what I want to do, and it clearly does not point to any single career path. Not that I need it to, I know that I can always write on the side, and that makes me happy.
But how do I help other people? I don't know. Maybe I should continue what I'm doing and cousel people. Maybe I should continue what I'm doing and apply for a position with the OPP. Maybe I really should give up and just write?
Maybe, "it's not what you do in life (that makes it all worthwhile), it's who you do it with." (A valuable life lesson from Family Guy ;)

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WooHoo, what a ride!"

Terrible Day!!

2006-11-23T01:20:00.000-05:00

I really didn't think that my week could get any worse.
OSAP is already screwing me over for my first year of a course that was such a waste of my time and now this.
*pouts* because I can...

My mom left me a million messages while I was in class today about how I needed to call her immediately and how it was important. This is usual mom stuff for her but I kind of got the feeling it was more important than "I need you to pick out paint over the phone."
As it turns out, I was right. So Ange and I are being sued by our old asshole landlord from last summer. Great. Like I needed anything else to make my life more stressful..
My mom, being the kind of person that she is, already has a lawyer and all the forms for me to fill out. Go mom.
The thing is, it's all bullshit.
He's suing us for leaving our lease early.
There's no way around it, guilty as charged.
But with good reason. Very good reason. Lots of them in fact.
All of these reasons, are listed in the Tenant's Protection Act., which can make our lease null and void. Awesome.And we did send him a registered letter, informing him of our impending move.
This is so messed up. It ruined my entire day by 11 AM. That's just screwed up in itself...
I won't go into details... but to help myself de-stress a bit, and get myself organized to fill out all the stupid legal paperwork, that has to be done by this weekend, I'm going to run through a few different things that happened.
Luckily. Somewhere.. I have a log of everything that happened, with dates and approximate times, just in case something like this happened, since he was a complete dick. Go Ange's mom.. and her let's back ourselves up legally plan.
(On top of all this stuff, there are police reports and a letter from the Gas Company)
What he's suing us for is $7000. This is for back rent and for utilities while his new tentant(s) were living there. Which is complete bullshit. Everything that was in my name was transferred over to our new house. He didn't have to get the utilities turned back on, that was his decision.
Anyway, a quick Kevin Flood is a dick landlord list is:
(Keep in mind we only lived there for 2 months)
He routinely called at 2 and 4 AM.
He left harassing messages for all of us.
Randomly showed up at the house, demanding rent that we had already paid and been given receipts for it. Then when we kindly pointed this out (around midnight usually) he'd demand the next few months rent.
[I did give into this once, went to the bank and gave him $1000 cash. BS eh?]
He tried to harass Ange about me.. neglecting to realize it was me on the phone..
After about 2 weeks of living there we had the gas switched from his name to ours. The gas company told us that they could not turn it on, because the furnace was unsafe. This was because SOMEbody had cut through a gas line and a pipe with a saw.. ya. safe.
He gave people the key to our house.. and let them go in as they please, without informing us.
He had the neighbours and others watch us and report back what we had been doing. Then interrogated us about it.and the kicker (of the short list at least)was that while I had just gotten out of the shower, was only in a towel, in the laundry room, talking to Ange, he decided to let himself in, take a walking tour of our house, and snoop. While we were there. He then quietly let himself back out.
After 1 month of all of this, we were all afraid to be in the house by ourselves and were afraid to even open the door or look out the window to see who was there when we were alone, and made plans to move.

and thus ends my rant so far. I hate landlords. The next house I live in, I will buy and not rent.
They suck. The End.

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." -- Louisa May Alcott

2006-11-20T01:24:00.000-05:00

I'm so upset right now...
Something has been bothering me for well over two weeks now. Since I got back to North Bay from my visit home pretty much.. and I'd really like to sit here and write out everything, every little detail, because there are certain people, who can read my blog who's opinions I value and advice I would appreciate, but I can't. Too many people can read my blog now..
I don't mean to single anybody out, because it's not like that, there isn't a specific person that I don't want reading this, it's just more of a private thing.. I guess.
One thing I miss about being at home was that there was always somebody that I could talk to if I was upset.
Being that there are very few people that I don't mind sharing absolutely every little detail of every little thing with, it was handy to have a group of friends where there was at least one person I could talk to about whatever was afflicting me. It was never the same person for every situation, but always someone.
Every week in one of my classes we have two hour sessions where we sit in groups of three and just talk. We're practising yeah, but I'm getting to the point where I actually like being in the "client" role and being able to talk about whatever I feel like, no matter how trivial and no matter how serious.
I wish I could do that with my friends, but it's just not the same when you're this far away and have to do it over the phone. They can't tell you're upset and they can't tell that you need them.. and they just kind of brush it off as a friendly phone call and in the process brush you off.
There are a couple of people who I really did think I could tell anything too. But now that I'm in this particular situation I guess I know that I can't really..
I want to. I really do. But I think I've gone back to that stage in some friendships where I still feel like I'm being judged by how I think and feel and what I say..
It's a strange feeling to go from that to this, whatever this is.
It's not that I don't trust them, I do, completely, with all of my heart. It's just me.
I think.
With some people, we've never even been there. This is new, it would be moving up a stage in our friendship and I'm not sure I'm prepared for that. I'm really sensitive when it comes to discussing my feelings and I would be hurt by anything that even seemed like passing judgement..
LoL I'm starting to sound ridiculous..
Earlier tonight I realized something. When Nathan decided that we were over for good I lost what I valued most about our relationship. Even when we weren't together, but there was still a possibility of trying again, he was always there. I could come to him no matter what, and talk to him about anything.I could be upset over the stupidest thing and it didn't matter. He didn't care that sometimes I would cry, or that sometimes when I was crying he ended up with mascara on his t-shirt, or that it takes me a while to stop, even after I've calmed down.
I've lost that, and it kind of hurts.
I want it again. I just want that level of comfort with someone again. I want to be able to say or do anything, about anything, serious or ridiculous or something coming completely out of left field and not feel like an idiot afterwards.
I want to be able to cry and not feel embarassed.
Someone who sincerely wants to give me that comfort, and is sincerely not judging me based on what I say and someone who knows that I don't need them to fix it, just that I need to be able to talk about it, or just cry... lol I'm emotional when something is bothering me.
*sigh*
That's what I need.
That's what I want.
But it's one thing that I want that I have no desire to pursue, only because I don't know where to look really..
If anybody does know.. give me a heads up? lol
I wish I had somebody right now... then I could get this off my chest. Perhaps stop having these, what are becoming, weekly nightmares and just move on.

*siiiiiiiigh*
What a depressing post. lol.

I love happy trails...

2006-11-19T01:39:00.000-05:00

HeHe
I was reading a bunch of posts from one of my myspace groups and the forum is all about body hair. Essentially whether it's preferable or not on men. The general consensus is that it doesn't matter, as long as there is some kind of general maintenance and it isn't growing wildly everywhere.
LoL
It's pretty funny, I must admit.
I was thinking about it.. and I don't know. I don't think I have a preference either way.. but I sure do love happy trails.
Not for any particular functional reason.. I just like the feeling of waking up in the morning, naked, next to a man and playing with the hair on his happy trail. I always have.

She watched the sun rise, Tear Stained Cheeks & a Broken Heart to show for what love can do to a girl.

2006-11-19T01:28:00.000-05:00

"If someone told me that the love of my life was living back home or in Vancouver waiting for me, I'd stop this sentence here, grab a bag and head for the airport. I'm not sure whether it's fortunate or not that love is much more complicated than that."

I am not made out for the love thing... Drinks on me..

"Let's run away together"
(you hardly know me)
"I know all I need to know"

**Humphrey Bogart
(one of my favourite quotes, it appears in many blogs)

[I apologize if at some points, in the midst of my rambling, it begins to not make much sense]

I was about to jump into bed last night when an IM popped up from J. We hadn't really talked for a while so I decided to stay up and chat for a bit. (A bit turned into almost 9 AM *rolls eyes* I have no self control)
I was kind of getting annoyed because he kept bringing up how if I had moved closer to him, instead of here then we may be "together" right now *cue eye roll, once more*.[BtW, I love the assumption that not only would I be all up for that, but that there is no one else in my life, when all summer, until he turned into obsessive crazy guy, there was. Plus Mr. TK who somehow managed to make his way into my thoughts everyday and drive me crazy, :) in a good way.. and still does..]
Plus, I'm not about to move to a city, and change my life around for a guy unless we're 100% sure about being together. Even then, if he really wants to be with you, and only you, he'll wait until it works for both of you.I've changed my life around completely for someone once before and I ended up with a broken heart. I'm not about to put myself in the position to be hurt that way again.
Before I sent away my acceptance for college, my mom questioned my motives for staying in the Dirty W, and she was right to do it. I was staying for him. I knew at the time it was a stupid decision, and that was confirmed by how it turns out. I denied it to her then and I can't bring myself to ever admit it.
It hurts alot when you think you're in love with someone and he tells you "fine, if you go away for school, we're over," and then to end up apart anyway.

The conversation eventually made it's way to me explaining to him why it never would have worked out between us anyway, there's no reason why I shouldn't tell him and I have no problem being straightforward.
Needless to say, he was slightly offended, not that they were irrational,or untrue reasons, which he knew. They were completely reasonable assumptions based on past experiences, which he is still debating with me, but it really doesn't matter now.

Then we started talking about the summer and our dating experiences and he came to the conclusion that, even though there were plenty of women interested in him, he wasn't interested in dating or being in a relationship and probably wouldn't be for a very long time. [lmao, then why say something about us being together? that really doesn't make sense don't you think...just saying.]

I don't think that's what my problem is.
I just hate dating. I hate the actual process of going on a date.
I can hang out with somebody for the longest time, even to the point where there's the understanding that we're "together" (although you have to point that out to me... lmao, apparently I'm oblivious) and as soon as you call it dating, or we go on an official date, it's over. It ruins things. It never fails. It's a proven fact. I'm cursed. It doesn't matter how long we've been hanging out, or how comfortable we are with each other, as soon as it hits that point, I ruin it. I have yet to find a guy that can make me feel comfortable in both situations.

I know that when I do, he's probably the right guy for me.

I know I could just assume that I'm all grown up and mature, but that's really not it. I've been on enough dates, with enough different people to know that it doesn't matter who I'm with, or what we're doing, if it's a date, it's not going to work for me, and if eventually I do find something that works for me, I should probably stick with it. :)

Essentially, technically speaking, it sucks :P LoL

I love being single and I love being in a relationship equally as much, but I don't know if I'll ever get to that point again, as much as I care about certain people and just wish that I could.
I love having someone to think about, to come home to, to cuddle with, to wake up next to, to talk to, and to goof around with. There is nothing I love more.

Thank God for time.

Maybe I just need more than what I've allowed myself, and really, when you think about it, I have more than enough of it before I can realistically even be in a relationship.
[527 days, until I graduate, in case anybody is counting... lol]
Unless somewhere down the line, I fall for someone, and they don't mind having to travel 6 hours to see me once in a while, and they don't mind not being able to see me, more than one weekend a month, when I come home.
It's hard for any long term relationship to get to the point where both parties feel secure in a long distance relationship, let alone a relationship that is just beginning.So I'm sure, when you decide that it's going to be a long distance relationship, it's something you know you're going to want to stick with.
If I knew that I had found "the one" and that I would fall for him head over heels, I couldn't help but put everything into it that I could. I would probably do anything for him. (lol, refer to the first paragraph)

I'm in love with the idea of love, I can't help it, I'm a romantic.

2006-11-08T01:42:00.000-05:00

GAH!
I don't know why or how I let people do this to me. I'm so upset. So mad. Just plain pissed off right now.

Why is it so easy for me to just give in sometimes and let people get me worked up and make me feel this way??
I feel useless, like there is no way to make myself feel any better about this.
I'm trying really hard to not let it bother me, but once again it does. Once again, it wins.
It's always going to, too.
It's not fair, I have no control over it when it is clearly something that involves me. Maybe I shouldn't have control.. but I should be given some sort of heads up. Some kind of clue.
Just say it. Just be straight with me. I'm not fragile, I'm not going to break. Really.
I promise.

I wish I had somebody, somewhere, anywhere, that could just always make me feel better when I'm sad like this. Someone who at least wanted a shot at trying..
Someone who would give me a great big hug and a kiss on the forehead because I'm frustrated, and they know that's what I need.
:(
*sigh*

I know that to be upset about something completely unrelated, and to wish for a someone seems trivial. But I just really could use that right now.
Even just knowing that I have the security of the feelings of someone who cares about me in that way would help right now.
It's so hard to find, and so much harder to keep.
I hate getting used to having it, and then having it taken away. Or just feeling like it's gone.
:( where is it? I want to find it..

You're all beginning to make me nauseous...

2006-10-31T01:49:00.000-05:00

If one more person, my age, who's been in a relationship for any amount of time under a year, gets engaged... I might actually toss my cookies. No joke.I just can't understand, and I don't know maybe it's because I'm not there, how someone can jump into something like this. It's supposed to be a life-long commitment, and I think that either these people just don't think about that, or are under the misconception that there's always a way out if it doesn't go the way they expected it to.
But how can you expect it to go a certain way when you're so young that you really don't know yourself, and you've been dating for such a short period of time that you can't possiby really know your significant other.
And if you're going to be together "forever" then why can't you wait, just a little bit longer, to make it offical?
When you're this young, you don't even know if you're going to be talking to your best friend this week or next, you argue about stupid things and are honestly quite immature. How can you have a real marriage and be able to love and support your significant other when you aren't really even mature enough to take care of yourself right now.
You all have the stress of just finishing school, or just beginning a new career and you're adding so much more to that. Imagine just finishing school and getting married, and then having to start your career and learn how to be an equal partner in a marriage and manage finances together, find a home, and figure out all of the little details.
*sigh*
I know, I can't really be one to talk but there are so many examples of people out there who wish they would have just waited a little while. Wish that they would have just given it some time, and maybe they would have figured out that it just wasn't going to work, and not have to deal with divorce, or living in a marriage that they just aren't happy in. Usually by the time it gets to this point there has been so much time and effort invested in this relationship, and maybe there is a child involved, and they just don't want to let go, they want to force it to get better. Force it to work.

I understand that you're in love and happy and so excited about this person right now. You just click. But maybe if you gave it time, you'd figure out that this isn't who you want to be with, or you'd see that people change, even in short periods of time. You need to look at reality, while in the midst of living in this little wedding fantasy.

Consider that you are contemplating spending the rest of your life with someone.

This isn't JUST for young people to look at. Even older people need time to adjust to being in a relationship before jumping into something as serious as marriage. If my dad's second marriage has taught me anything it's that you really need to know what you're getting into and who exactly you are making this commitment to... and if you don't, then don't forget the pre-nup.

*sigh*
I just know that when I get married, I want it to be forever, not just legally, but in the real sense of marriage. I want to wake up everyday knowing that I love someone, that they love me and that we've made a life-long commitment to each other that we are more than entirely happy with. That we can't wait for every new part of married life to come our way. That we want to experience everything together and just be with each other.
I want to know that we have the same views on finances, children, where we want to live, how we want to live our lives
I don't want to have to figure it out as we go, not the major things that you should know about each other, anyway.. I want to know that no matter what kind of decision we're going to have to make together, that it's something that we agree on, or that we are willing to compromise.
On so many things too. I want to be able to talk about stupid little things, like what our kids would call their grandparents, whether we'll even have kids, whether we'll get a dog, are we both going to work, will we have two cars etc. etc.
There are just so many things to look at, to wonder, to decide..I guess I just can't understand how someone can feel ready, at my age, to make decisions like that, and stick with them.
I'm not saying that it's a bad idea for EVERYONE to get married so young, but in today's society what are the odds that it's going to last?
Pretty slim, I'd say.
Heck, I know Ange already has her first and second weddings planned.. just goes to show you how our society is changing I suppose.
I know I'm young. I know I'm immature and I have no idea what the heck I'm going to be doing this time next year. But I do know that when Nathan and I broke up and he told me that if I hadn't started a fight about Britney (which, allow me to add, I was completely right about) he had been planning to propose to me that weekend, instead of breaking up with me, I definetely breathed a sigh of relief. Not because I wasn't marrying him specifically, but because I know that I was much too young and I know that I wouldn't have been able to say no.
Not because I just wanted to get married or something, but because when you're in a realtionship with someone for as long as we were, you just sort of assume that you're going to end up together and that would have naturally been the next step.
And as many times as we argue and he thinks he's throwing it in my face that we could have been getting married, I could have had my perfect ring, and my perfect dress (Oh leave me alone, I've had them picked out for as long as I can remember), it doensn't bother me. It just wasn't meant to be at that time in my life. I don't see how it could be.

Okay. I'm done. This was my rant for the week.. hopefully the only one lol...

****With my luck, I'm going to look back at this sometime next year, engaged and planning a wedding and think, "Wow. Am I ever a hypocrite." ugh.****

It's not what happens to you; it's what you do about it that makes the difference - W. Mitchell

2006-10-27T01:53:00.000-04:00

Last night I found myself thinking. alot.
I couldn't sleep, my mind just kept racing. So I decided to write. I wrote and wrote and wrote until eventually I filled a notebook. I wrote 140 pages, front and back, no skipping lines, no breaks of any sort, until I finally decided that I could sleep.
I woke up this morning and I felt refreshed. Engergized. I went to class and my mind started racing once again.
So I flipped to the back of my notebook and started writing again. In my two hour lecture I filled 12 pages. Once again, front and back, no skipping lines and no breaks of any sort.I didn't really write about anything imparticular.. not really. Alot of things always seemed to bring me back to a certain thing, but I can't say that this was all about that.
It just boggles my mind that after quitting writing because I found that I just couldn't do it anymore, I can just write like I used to. It kind of makes me sad. I gave up alot because I thought I couldn't do it. I guess I've just been inspired recently. Alot of things have happened lately, I suppose you could say that they contribute to this. That's what I'm finding anyhow.
But I'm hoping I didn't give up everything I've worked so hard for, for the past few years for absolutely nothing.
Everything happens for a reason right? I hope...

Pretty as a --HeaRt-AcHe--

2006-10-24T01:55:00.000-04:00

I'm going to make this short and sweet :)
As of today, I've become terminally single.
As a choice.
I'm tired of waiting to end up hurt, although I know it's pessimistic of me to think that way.
I'm tired of being hurt.
And, I never again want to hear that someone is flattered by how hurt I was by something that they did, that affected me a great deal.
I'm tired of wondering what love is. If I've found it. If it's passed me by already, or if I'll ever even have the opportunity to find it.
I never again want to be told that someone loves me, but only half of him loves me. The other half is searching for something else. For what one can only assume, is someone else.
I am not a placekeeper. I'm not here to keep you company until something better comes along.
That is a terrible way to treat someone, I don't care who you are.
If you want to be with me. Be with me. Is it really that hard?
I've spent last night and tonight in tears. Because I've apparently taken, "You know, I'm really flattered that you are so hurt by what happened between us. What I did to you," the wrong way.
Or that I've taken, "Well yeah I want to date other people, but I just don't know where to meet them, so why don't we keep dating instead," the wrong way.
Or that I've taken, "You know that I love you right? It's just that only half of me loves you," the wrong way.
I never realized that I took everything the wrong way. Absolutely everything. Apparently nothing can be taken at face value anymore. Nobody can just be upfront and honest with how they feel. They have to skate around it, "trying not to hurt you," all the while hurting you more, deeper and so much worse than it ever would have been with just the honest truth.
I'm beginning to think that such a thing just doesn't exist these days.
If there is someone out there that can be like that, then maybe I'll consider changing how I feel just for them. They're worth that chance if they're taking it upon themselves to take a risk like that in today's world.
The thing is, I know I deserve more. I know I deserve better and I'm not afraid to look. I'm just tired of setbacks, I'm tired of things that no longer matter being thrown in my face.
I want to be trusted, because I've done nothing to deserve otherwise.
I want to eventually be loved. Because I know I deserve it. Not just loved a little bit, or half as much as they could. I want to be loved wholly, and without question.Why is it that I seem to fall into the same trap everytime? There's always going to be someone or something else? Isn't there? :(
It makes me so sad to know that.
Or if not know that, to feel that way: like I know it to be true.
I just feel so empty right now.
I shouldn't, I have so much in my life right now, so many terrific people, and opportunities.. but I do.

I'm done working on me. I'm where I want to be pretty much right now. With regards to who I am as a person.
I just wish I could be with someone who wants to be with me, and who can appreciate me and care for me. With no stipulations, no restrictions. Nothing.It seems so impossible.
Soooo... I pretty much give up. I admit defeat. You win. It's over.
I think he's ruined me.
Sorry Tom. You're an amazing.. incredible guy.. like I can't even begin to describe. Like I've pretty much said before, you're perfect. Almost too perfect. And I would love to get to know you even better when you get back from Australia but, like I said, I give up. On it all. I really hate to pass on a guy like you. I hope that you know how lucky a girl is to find you.
I don't know, maybe by then I won't be feeling so pessimistic, or maybe you'll change my mind, you have a tendancy to do that. But we'll see..And Chris.. dear :) I know I said I'd marry you one day, but I know that one day you'll find a girl that's just perfect for you, someone who's a beer bong challenge and won't argue about having a beer bong at the reception -- hey, I agreed on the keg stands did I not? :) -- (I can see the wedding now haha) and someone who will take care of you, and make you soup and whatnot next time you break your arm... :P but hopefully, this time, it's your girlfriend.. not your buddy's. ( :) I'm just teasing, you know that )

So to end this off on a nice pessimistic, negative note, because (if it's not obvious by now) that's just how I'm feeling, I'm going to go curl up under my covers and not come out until I'm leaving to go home on the 4th. Also I refuse to answer my phone, at all, between now and then. It really, mostly (because I still have a soft spot for a couple of you), won't matter who you are, or why you're calling.
I just feel like... yuck. For lack of a better descriptive word.
I wish life was like a fairytale. I could use my knight in shining armour right about now.

I don't want people to take this the wrong way. I don't need to be with someone to validate myself. I just feel like I have so much to give, and like I could make somebody incredibly happy. I'm willing to sacrifice many things, it's part of relationships with anybody, but being happy and content is the one thing I just can't give up. I would never ask anyone to give it up for me, and I cannot fathom how anyone could ask it of anybody.

Maybe I'm just emotional and irrational right now...?
Meh. I don't care at this particualr second.
I'm sad, so this is just how it's going to be.
I'm scared I won't change my mind.

So, this is the conclusion I've come to

2006-10-18T02:04:00.000-04:00

Living in college neighbourhoods is great!
haha, where else can you go, where you go to the gas station on the corner by the college and in the convience store area they have a huuuuuge basket.. full of condoms.. buy 1 get 50% off the second, or buy 2 get 1 free condoms... yup.. only here.
And where else can you go where you look out your window to see tom, the guy from the window directly across from yours on the second floor, standing at his open window, drunkenly singing "I've got friends in low places" over.. and over and over again... terribly lol
and where else can you learn the drunk singing neighbours name from the equally drunk girl standing in the yard yelling "thoMAS...THOMAS... hey THOMAS." not in a normal neighbourhood I tell you what.
I forgot how much I missed living near campus. It reminds me of all the great times we had last year.
I can tell tequila tuesdays are going to be quite interesting around the dorms. :)
It reminds me of home.
This might not be so bad..

Finally

2006-10-12T02:06:00.000-04:00

8 hours.. 13 pages and almost 5000 words later.. I'm done..
finally..
and now I have to leave for school..
yay me..
I need a hug :(

it's beautiful tho.. if i do say so myself.. I've never seen a better looking proposal
*sigh*
*admires homework*

It's like a prison

2006-10-04T02:09:00.000-04:00

I think I might be driving myself crazy. I really really do.I feel so trapped in my thoughts.

The same things, everyday, back and forth, over and over again. And then they're contradictory, and then it's right back to where I started.

It's a constant struggle. A fight I may not win. I'm confused. I'm stuck.
And then there's nothing.
Why does it always have to happen like this. I always have to second guess a decision I was sure I was confident in, 100%.
More than one decision. It's like, as soon as I'm second guessing myself in one area, I have to go and re-evaluate and second guess another.
I can't just let myself be happy. Maybe because I'm not entirely sure I am? I don't know.
I'm trying. But that's all I can do for right now..

Feign Happiness

2006-09-17T02:10:00.000-04:00

Feign interest.
Feign tolerance.

Pretend to be happy. Prentend to emote.

Seek solace. Seek tolerance.

Pretend. Imagine; Imitate - impersonate.

Ficticious. Imposturous.
Characterize. Dramatize.

Be Certain.Surmise, suspect and theorize.

feign happiness.:*

Love Song For A Stranger

2006-07-09T02:14:00.000-04:00

*headache*-confusion-*headache*

"Let's run away together"
(you hardly know me)
"I know all I need to know"

**Humphrey Bogart